Here We Go-

Graduation (Official) came and went with little excitement. Turning in a final-not that climatic. However, standing and taking it against the wall of the crowded testing center was a little different...We'll chalk it up to the Cosmos (BYU pun definitely not intended) wanting to make my final experience as an undergraduate memorable!

So now I'm off...running full speed ahead into "The Great Unknown"...depending on the day there are other adjectives thrown in there such as terrifying, exciting, endless, etc. And as an amateur strolling out on my own I'll tell you this much...so far so good. And it's scary. And it's liberating. And so far so good.

I have been blessed with many incredible people in my life over the past 22 years but specifically over the past year or so. Sometimes I sit back in awe at the greatness I see around me and marvel that these amazing people are, for some crazy reason, willing to spend time with me. One of these lovely people would be friend Rachel (not to be confused with awesome SIL Rachel). During some random day over the past few months we met in a practice room where she serenaded me while I studied, taking breaks to talk in between songs. It was one of those days when the adjectives dark, scary, daunting, grey, torturous, etc were attached to "The Great Unknown". And then, once again, I was blessed to have this amazing friend turn to me and say something like...

"Becca. This is amazing! You are free! You are graduated-you can do whatever you want. So do what you love!"

And maybe that is what all of my supportive friends and family have been telling me for the past...forever...but it hit really hard that day and so...

What do I love to do? What am I going to spend the rest of my life doing, filling the space of being a student (except for the part when I go back to school...but that's another story...). What makes me me? What makes me happy? What do I love?

So I'm developing a list...and "It makes my boots feel lighter". (Read Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close).

And part of me feels like maybe stumbling, struggling, and being scared isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's simply a sign of eminent growth. It isn't failure. Failing is falling and not getting back up again. So I'll make my list. And I'll try. And I'm sure I'll trip but hey, battle scars are sexy-right?

Please Don't

So lately I have been a little angry for various reasons-

-a perpetually dirty kitchen.
-a seemingly unsolvable confusion.
-my own procrastination and lack of motivation in regards to writing this paper I'm currently taking a break from.
-and mostly, for my friends and family.

As much as sometimes I wish I could chew people out for mistreating those I love. I don't. And I don't yell or hit or glare (well occasionally) or sit in silence and fume. I smile and laugh and then go off to comfort the one who has been hurt.

Do you know how hard it is to comfort someone sometimes? You say what you believe and think and feel with fervor. You tell them it is going to be okay, that they are amazing, that they deserve better than that. You recite quotes that bolstered you up in times of need and share personal stories. And sometimes it helps. But sometimes...sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes they don't listen because they can't. And it is frustrating not being able to help the ones you want to. You want to say the perfect sentence to make everything alright. But it doesn't exist. In the end, healing is a solitary event. You can help and you can try and help but eventually, it is up to the person who is hurt to decide to believe you or to decide that yes, in fact, it is all going to be okay.

But let me just say-sometimes I wish people would leave my loved ones alone. And it's the hardest when it's two loved ones hurting each other. But really. Please would everyone just leave each other alone. Just think about others first. Really. I know its a balance-you have to stand up for yourself and your wants and needs but just think. Think about how your actions and your words affect those around you. Because they do.

So here is my universal chewing out: Stop it. Grow up. Think. I mean, really? How could you think that was okay? That. Is. Not. Okay. I get that you got selfish-we all do it. But overcome it. And if you couldn't then, do it now. Man up. Apologize. Rectify the situation as best you can. Learn, grow, heal, and foster healing.