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I'm avoiding responsibility. Thank you.

This past Spring term I took a writing poetry class at BYU from one the most incredible individuals I have ever met. The first time you meet him you just sit in shock while your brain mumbles to itself "People like you exist...people like you actually exist...".

Thank goodness.
(By the way...weird idiom we use...)

Anyway-I was sitting in class one day listening to my professor spew brilliantness all over the room when he said the phrase "words fail". I remember feeling like everything faded from there. His voice seemed softer and the other students closely surrounding me seemed to pull away. I could hear my pulse, I could hear it and it seemed to drowned out the shuffling of white noise. My chest ached as my breathing staggered. Flooding every sense was that concept and that emotion. And in front of me was a blank page with two words written down. Words. Fail.

So I wrote and wrote and wrote and tried to write a poem about that. Words failing.

(Words) (Loss)

Pairs of worn shoes.
Only one set of footprints.
A scent’s whisper fades
While he…you…
and…-
but…-
(breathe)…-
no…

And appropriately...words failed.

But hey-it gives me a life long project to work on. But how does one do that? Language isn't perfect. Words do fail all the time. How many times do you hear "I don't know how to explain it...I can't think of a word for it...Words can't describe...". Or how many times is silence the only answer that seems appropriate. And yet we keep trying. We keep talking. We keep writing. And we keep reading.

A Good List Never Hurt Anyone

-I'm going to a Haunted Forest tonight...first time ever going to a Haunted "Anything"...I'm planning on coming home with a bruised hand. Why, you ask? Because I hit things when I get scared...poor friendies...though I have been watching 24 lately so maybe I'll just go all Hardcore-Jack-Bauer and punch things I'm probably not supposed to punch/scale walls/run real real fast/army crawl/barrel roll....

-I have an extremely strong desire to spend a day baking a plethora of delectable treats.

-Strong Desire #2: To quilt. Items I need: Everything.

-Autumn smells pretty.

-I want a yellow typewriter and a pale robin egg blue KitchenAid.

-Yoga-ed for the first time ever the other day. I only burst out laughing once. I consider this to be an accomplishment. My thoughts? Liked it. It's hard to do what Man tells you to do when Man puts you in a position so you can't see the TV screen and you have no idea what Man means...and it feels amazing when you finish.

-Vanilla ice cream with Nerds in it. Yeah. It's that good. Made some for Roommate Laura yesterday, she took a bite, looked at me with happy eyes, to which I said "I know!".

-Fruit is Mother Nature's way of saying "I love you."

-Things I love seeing on campus: Hair bling. A bumper sticker that read "So many men-so many reasons to sleep alone." Unicyclists. The Quill and Sword Club. People wrestling to advertise for something...or something...Friends. People walking and reading at the same time. Scarves. Awkward guy/girl interactions. The Study Abroad Fair always brightens my day. Some people in shorts and t shirts with the person next to them in long pants with mittens and a coat on. Others.

-Looks and smiles always say more than anything else. Because you can't always control a look or the way your mouth curls up. Sometimes it's fake. Sometimes it's cold. Sometimes it's warmer than you wanted or expected. I can watch people's faces and know what they are thinking whether they say it or not simply be the softening/hardening of features during our conversations. Looks and smiles haunt me/warm me/make me laugh/intrigue me.

-Good memory: Pulling out stumps with my dad as a young girl. After helping dig around it I would drive the tractor while he would chop at the roots with an axe. Sometimes he would jump on the back of the tractor because I didn't weigh enough to pull it out. And if it wasn't coming out I would help brainstorm solutions with him. We made a good team.

-"Fakeness" and I don't get along. I can sense it and it makes my skin crawl. Just be real. Even if real is confusing and hard it's better than "fake". "Fake" doesn't solve anything. "Fake" makes things even more confusing...put fondant over a piece of wood and it's still a piece of wood. Sand the wood down, stain it, love it. (Random image? I know...that's what I get for watching some random reality show about cakes...).

-Speed kills. (Don't rush life/things...it ruins them).

-Mexican food is happiness in a tortilla.

-There is a difference between being likeable and loveable.

-I'm learning a lot everyday-I just hope I don't forget it all when it matters most.

-I used to be a decently serious person. I mean, I laughed and I joked around but when I was talking about something more serious, I was serious. Brandon taught me about 3 years ago that that doesn't have to be the case. I like combining both. And maybe it's because humor can come as a defense mechanism and it can ease the tension but is that a bad thing? I think it's an art form, and one I'm working on...but I like it. I also think there is a balance and a sense of appropriateness but hey, life is short-

-Pillows and blankets are perfection. I love being in a lil comfortable cocoon and talking with friends. Lovely.

-The other night I dragged a chair out onto our balcony to do some reading and I fell in love.

-Being outside is theraputic.

-When I graduate I'm just going to sit at home all day practicing the guitar. I think it sounds like a solid career plan. My parents are going to love it.


El Fin