Thursday, August 6, 2009

Caught


I like pretty things. I know that sounds simple, childish even, but that is the best way of describing it. And while peoples perceptions of what "pretty" is may be different, I like to think it brings to mind images of softness. Cotton candy clouds and cotton ball sheep softness. I don't do bold prints, big jewelry, or extremely bright colors. I love my closet full of grays, greens, and browns. And I love my simple stud earrings and small pendant necklaces.

(I like windows and nails bare of polish. I like the feeling of clean sheets and the sound of soft voices. I like the light-weight feeling of wearing a dress.)

I think a lot of things are simple. And way more simple than we allow them to be. Everyone talks about how life is so hard, so scary, so complicated, so gray. And trust me-I have echoed these sentiments many a late night but when you step back it's all about stepping forward and jumping. But first-simplicity.

Happiness is simple. It is enjoying the feeling of the sun and the sounds of the world swirling by. It is choosing to laugh, choosing to smile, choosing to be optimistic. It is simple. It is just a decision. And I recognize that fact that sometimes it is harder than that. Sometimes Pollyanna doesn't win without a fight. But that is just it-you can fight for it.

Love is simple. Incredibly simple. And this we choose to complicate for complications sake. Or something ridiculous like that. A friend relayed a story to me once about how she had asked another friend, who is now married, what love is like and she answered, "It is so much easier than I had thought." And I believe that to be true. Love. Easy. Finding love? The crappy dates, that whole unrequited thing, rejection (giving and receiving)-that can be hard. But love? Or even extreme like? It's easy. It just happens. You just find one another and you work. You fit.

The future is simple. And this is coming from the girl (yeah, we aren't even pretending to use the word woman here) who is donning a cap and gown in a week to fake graduate, only to do it for real in 4 months...with no concrete plans other than to keep breathing, keep eating, etc. But it is. It's coming. And only a day at a time. We are faced with decisions and we make them. Sometimes we stumble and during those times we either ask for help or try to push through alone. But we must make decisions, in the end they are inevitable and yet we put them off and put them off thinking that the answer will fall into our laps when really, we just have to jump and hope something/someone catches us.

I'd like to call myself a "jumper" but then that makes me think of "pusher" and Mean Girls (thank you to the minds who thought that movie up and brought me and countless others endless joy) and it loses all credibility in my mind. But anyway-I jump. But I'm terrified of jumping. And these two concepts weirdly coexistence in my personality/mind. A few months ago I stood staring over a 45ish foot cliff down to the base of a waterfall, watching my friend Britney resurface and swim to the edge before she gestured to me to follow her. I stepped back as everything is my nature was screaming for survival and screaming "Don't!". And then I was suspended in the air before the warm water enveloped me and the strong currents threw me up to the surface. To my friends and to the sun. I just have to turn it all off and think "Oh well..." and then plummet. We have to. Being perpetually held back by fear is exhausting and I refuse to allow that to be a part of my life anymore. And that is just one of the things I have learned this summer. That I am stronger than that. That everyone is. That we all deserve to live and really live.

So do it.

3 comments:

  1. thank you. this was very inspiring to me! you are amazing!

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  2. What you said is more true than I think any of us know. You are a great writer, keep up the awesome posts!

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  3. Becca becca i just came across this from reading Hillsies blog..i am so glad i did because you write beautifully and i love reading this! You will go far in life..

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